Few words are more painful to hear as a parent than:
“I hate myself.”

Whether it’s whispered during a hard moment or shouted in anger, hearing your child or teen speak so harshly about themselves can leave you feeling helpless, heartbroken, or afraid.

But that moment — as hard as it is — is also an opportunity: to listen without judgment, to stay present, and to help them understand that feelings can shift, even when they feel stuck.

Why Kids and Teens Say This

Self-hate rarely comes out of nowhere. It often shows up when a child feels:

• Ashamed of a mistake
• Overwhelmed by pressure or expectations
• Rejected by peers or adults
• Disconnected from their sense of worth
• Frustrated by anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem

Saying “I hate myself” may be their way of expressing deep emotional pain — even if they can’t fully explain it.

What Not to Say in the Moment

• “Don’t say that.”
• “That’s ridiculous.”
• “You’re being dramatic.”
• “Of course you don’t.”
• “Stop talking like that.”

These responses, though well-meaning, can make your child feel dismissed or even more isolated.

What to Say Instead

• “That’s a really heavy feeling. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way.”
• “I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
• “Can you tell me what happened that led to that thought?”
• “Even when you feel this way, I love you and want to help.”
• “Let’s get through this together.”

Validation doesn’t make the feeling worse — it makes space for it to soften.

How to Follow Up

1. Create time to talk again, when things feel calmer. Let them know you're still thinking about what they said — and you take it seriously.
2. Look for patterns in behavior, mood, or social situations. Are they withdrawing? Showing signs of anxiety or sadness?
3. Offer support options — not as punishment, but as care. Say things like, “Sometimes talking to someone outside the family can really help. Would you be open to that?”
4. Bring in a professional if these thoughts are frequent, intense, or accompanied by self-harm or other concerning behaviors.

A Note on Safety

If your child ever expresses thoughts of wanting to hurt themselves or no longer wanting to live, it’s important to seek immediate support from a mental health provider, crisis line, or emergency services.

It’s not overreacting — it’s taking them seriously in the best way possible.

Final Thought

When a child says “I hate myself,” they don’t need to be corrected — they need to be held.

Held emotionally. Held in patience. Held in love.

You don’t have to have perfect words. Just be there — again and again — until they remember that their feelings don’t define their worth.

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